TOP FIVE SLAMS.

SLAM TIME. No order, as usual. Lets watch loads of people get unwillingly dumped on their heads!

1. THE KIMBOPLEX is born, against Houston Alexander.

Kimbo Slice is a bit rubbish. He made a name for himself knocking out idiots on youtube and eventually made his way into MMA, where he has shown himself to be pretty outclassed in every aspect of the game. In this fight, however, Houston Alexander spent most of the three rounds running away. Kimbo did catch him at one point, and delivered this mighty fucking suplex. After this, he gassed spectacularly. You can SEE him using up the last of his energy to dump Alexander with this.

2. Randleman tries to kill Fedor, but finds out that it is impossible.

OUCH. Now, you’ll be thinking that this suplex was a fight-ender, what with Fedor Emilianeko ending up right on his neck. You’re wrong, however, as Fedor might actually be a robot created during the cold war by the USSR and can probably survive a nuclear attack aimed directly at his face. If they followed through with their plans, we’d all be speaking Russian right now, and we’d all have very sore arms. You know, due to all the armbars he’s be handing out to people.

3. Sapp piledrives Nogueira into the mat.

Nogueira again, proving once and for all that he is an MMA legend. He tends to take an inhuman amount of punishment in his fights, before slapping on a beautiful submission out of nowhere. It is his style and part of the reason his face looks like a burst sausage. Now, “spiking” an opponent directly down onto their head is actually illegal in the unified rules of MMA, but this was in Japan, in PRIDE FC, where the rules were fast and loose at best. Bobb Sapp is a bit rubbish at MMA, but is an absolute monster and a cult hero in Japan. He threw Nogueira around like he was a doll. Much like the above slam on Fedor, “Big Nog” went on to win this fight, although he may have been a few inches shorter after this.

(HL video – about 10 seconds in)

4. Joe Stevenson channels Chris Benoit on Joe Pellegrino.

No, that doesn’t mean he killed his wife and kid then hung himself in the weight room. It means he delivered an insane german suplex during a UFC fight. Now, in Pro Wrestling, this move is two people working together, with one lifting and one jumping with it. Now, in this case, one of these men DOESN’T want to get suplexed, so this is pure deadlift. Crazy shit.

(another .gif, due to legal claims, youtube and that)

5. Ortiz KO’s Evan Tanner with a powerslam.

Pure power here by Ortiz to defend his UFC title. Absolutely smashes Tanner into the mat, completely flattening him and knocking him unconcious. Shows how important a vicious takedown can be in a fight, rather than just a way of getting someone into a position for ground and pound/submissions.

TOP FIVE SUBMISSIONS.

Again, in no particular order…

1. Toby Imada does the impossible against Jorge Masival.

An INVERTED triangle choke. This won Submission of the year in 2009 and rightly so. To be fair, it actually defies description, so check out this video. Breathtaking.

2. Ryo Chonan submits the best in the world.

Anderson Silva is now regarded as the best pound for pound fighter on the planet. Ryo Chonan was getting his face knocked off when he went for glory with this flying heel hook and my god he got it. This is videogame stuff, right here.

3. Rumina Sato does the world’s fastest armbar against Charles Taylor.

A youtube classic this, as most people won’t have seen the fight when it actually happened. Blink and you’ll miss it, as Sato throws himself into a flying armbar right at the start of the first round and almost takes Taylor’s arm home with him.

4. “Big Nog” chokes out Heath Herring. Literally breathtaking.

Antonio Rodrigo Noguiera is one of the best BJJ guys in MMA. After trying submission after submission throughout the fight, he finally locks in a rare anaconda choke and rolls Herring into a position where he has the choice to tap out or go to sleep, for the first and only time in his career. A BJJ masterclass, this.

5. Dustin Hazelett dives into an armbar on Josh Burkman.

This is stunning. A BJJ masterclass by Hazelett. Watch as he dives over Burkman, tucking his leg and getting it around his head, to tork his arm away from his body. Once he’s got that, he pulls it tight and Burkman is done for.

(no video, so another .gif will suffice.)

FIVE FAVOURITE KNOCKOUTS.

To start with, here are my TOP FIVE ALL TIME favourite knockouts in Mixed Martial Arts. Obviously, there will be plenty of awesome ones I have missed out, but hey, that is one of the reasons MMA is so good.

So, in no particular order…

1. Rashad Evans KO’s Chuck Liddell.

Chuck Liddell is a UFC legend, known for his ridiculous knockout power. Rashad Evans, going into this fight, was a decent wrestler and competent mixed martial artist. No one could have expected Evans to lure Liddell out of his gameplan and catch him with a massive counter-right that put Liddell on his arse, stiff as a board. He did, mind, and went on to win the UFC Light Heavyweight title. Despite all of his other wins, this is what put Evans on the map for a long time to come.

2 – Gabriel Gonzaga “Cro Cops” Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic.

I lost a lot of money on this one. In his PRIDE FC days, Mirko was one of the most – if not THE most – feared strikers on the planet. His head kick knockouts came with such frequency and power that there are entire highlight reels available on youtube dedicated to JUST the ones he did with his devastating kicks. “Right leg, hospital. Left leg, cemetary” he once memorably said, reminding absolutely everyone of Ivan Drago in the process.

Eventually, he made it to the UFC, and after an unconvincing first win against an opponent he should have decapitated, he met Gabriel Gonzaga on the UFCs first major trip to the UK. Brazilian Jiu Jitsu black belt Gonzaga was pretty much the ideal opponent to have Mirko kick his head into the cheap seats, but he clearly had other plans. After taking him down and raining elbows on him for half a round, the fight was stood up and out of nowhere, Gonzaga unleased a “Cro Cop special” head kick, giving Filipovic a taste of his own medicine and literally silencing the Manchester Evening News Arena in the process. Horrific. Also brilliant. Watch the ankle on the way down. He’s not been the same fighter since.

3. Marius Zaromskis kills Jason High

(Whole fight, skip to 3m10s for the KO)

The finals of the Dream Middleweight tournament, both fighters had been underdogs on their way to the final matchup. From the start, the Lithuanian Zaromskis was dominant, and kept it that way until the quick finish within the first round. A few strikes had High on his back foot, open, with his head dropped and Zaromskis finished his combination with a massive head kick that, for a few seconds at least, appears to have ended the life of Jason High.

Zaromskis also gets thousands of awesome points because he occasionally walks out to his fights dressed like THIS.

4. Quinton “Rampage” Jackson goes WWE on Ricardo Arona.

Two words describe this knockout perfectly – “HOLY. SHIT.” Arona HAS Jackson in a triangle choke, pulling down on his arm and squeezing his legs, trying to cut off the blood to Jackson’s brain and force a stoppage/tapout. This is not a good situation to be in and, most of the time, one that decides a fight. Not this one, however. Jackson, being a bit of a powerhouse, LIFTS the at least 205lb Arona over his fucking head, then POWERBOMBS him back down towards the ring, like the fucking Undertaker. This is no WWE ring either, with its wooden beams and spring. This is an MMA ring, and it is pretty much solid. Arona is knocked completely unconcious on impact.

An American sports science TV show did some tests regarding this KO. Turns out, Jackson dished out more force than being in a NASCAR crash, and revealed that Arona probably still gets headaches from it to this day.

5. SHONIE CARTER OUT OF NOWHERE on Matt Serra.

These two had a war. It has been a while since I have seen it, but I’m pretty sure Serra was on his way to a decision victory when Carter decided to pull out the hail mary to end them all.

(sadly, no video, so this .gif will have to do)

Smack.

In a rematch they had years later, Shonie went for it again, clipped Serra who shook it off and went on to win the fight. I bet that felt good.

Valentines Day Playlist.

I have, genuinely, never ever recieved anything for Valentines day. Even when I have been going out with girls at the time, both did the whole “I don’t really care about Valentines anyway” thing and, in one case, they were fucking lying. I however, agreed that is was a pointless waste of time and money and cheated myself out of getting some free shit for the years of my life I won’t get back.

So, here is a Valentines Day themed spotify playlist. I love doing these and will take any excuse to do one. Like this.

My gift to you.

Valentines Day Playlist So Whatever.

Skate 2 – One of the best games ever.

Skate 2 by EA is basically the best game ever made. It is a game that I have come back to repeatedly since it was released in early 2009. It even got a few spins during the busy Christmas period, when there were plenty of other new games sat on my shelf waiting to be played. The gameplay is wonderful, improving on the formula that destroyed the Tony Hawk franchise a year previous. A bunch of new tricks were added, but crucially, without ruining the intuitive controls. This allows you to try absolutely anything you can think of within the city of San Vanelona.

Here’s the thing, though. I’ve barely touched the single player campaign, outside of doing a few bits and pieces to unlock a few secret skate parks. The competitive multiplayer mode also remains completely unused, as I have no interest doing score attack battles against people over Xbox Live. I have, however, put in a fucking AGE into the online freeskate mode.

It is brilliant. Me and a few friends, talking about daily life while skateboarding around a wonderful virtual city, occasionally finding a good area for tricks and sticking about for a bit, trying the same routines over and over again until we hit that perfect line, upload the footage and can share it with one another. There is nothing else like it.

I find myself going back to Skate 2 when I have no real desire to get involved in a hefty play session, following plots or concentrating on difficult situations other games throw at me. I put it on to relax. Throw on some music, switch on the Xbox and find some interesting area to try a few bits and pieces out. It has kept me coming back for a year now, and will almost certainly last until Skate 3 arrives in May.

Hell, the last one did.

Here’s a compilation of footage I have gathered. One day, this video will be complete. For now, it remains unfinished, like absolutely everything else I start.

Bands.

Don’t you just hate it when you KNOW you’ll like a band, but for some reason fail to get round to actually listening to them properly, with every song you catch by them reminding you that they are ace and you REALLY should get round to acquiring more of their music?

Then, eventually, you take the plunge, hear a whole bunch of their stuff and realize they ARE fucking excellent, and you’ve missed countless times to see them live and enjoy their music over the last few years?

I hate it when that happens.

Snipes.

What is it about SNIPING? Why does it attract such a bunch of tossers? Why do these people feel the need to show their sniping prowess in their usernames?

You don’t see people playing Battlefield, or any other FPS game online, with the username “NUMBERONEMEDIC666″ or something, unless they ARE actually a real life Medic and Satanist. There are, however, countless gamertags with the word “sniper” in them. Or Sn1per. Or XSNIPERX.

Sniping is clearly some kind of e-penis extension, or something.

Single Player.

We live in a golden fucking age of single player games right now. Over the next few months, there are countless titles being released that I am interested in picking up and most of them are solely single player experiences.

Don’t get me wrong, I love multiplayer as much as the next guy with an xbox, but since the 360′s launch and the LIVE explosion, there have  been a few games full of shoe-horned in competetive and cooperative modes that have, at times, detracted from the single player mode.

I’m really enjoying sitting down and playing a game by myself again – getting immersed in the story and atmosphere, free of headsets and idiot children talking about kills/death ratio and being entertained in a way that film struggles to do.

Everybody Hurt$

So, after a few days off I return to work today to see the shelves FILLED with the charity single for the “Help Haiti” appeal. As I’m sure you’re aware, most of the country was obliterated by several earthquakes and a bunch of pop stars have banded together to re-record R.E.M’s “Everybody Hurt” to raise money. Personally, I’d have gone with “Rockin’ all over the world” or Thrice’s “The Earth Will Shake”, but that’s why I’m in music retail, and not in music management.

Anyway, its been spearheaded by Simon Cowell and his oh-so-witty SyCo Records, as per usual. Now, written in the liner notes is a short message saying “NO LESS THAT ONE POUND FROM THIS PURCHASE WILL GO TO CHARITY”.

Why is that even there? Surely it should be taken as red that ALL of the money is going to go to charity? The single even costs two pounds more than the average single, so it makes me somewhat suspicious that someone, somewhere, is taking a cut from this – a single that is no doubt going to be one of the biggest sellers of the year.

So who is it? Is it the artists? The musicians drafted in to play on the single? Perhaps it is the record companies, the aforementioned SyCo or Sony, who they are a subsidiary of? Maybe it is the manufacturer or the distributer who need to make some money out of this, or is it the retailer, getting some dirty moolah out of the thousands of sales this week?

I’ve been trying to think of excuses for it all day? Perhaps it is a situation where some money needs to be made from it in order to even get it to shops in the first place, so people can buy it and, overall, make more money for the charity in the greater scheme of things? Horsehit, frankly. Several countries have wiped Haiti’s national fucking debt to them in light of this disaster, so the fact is that there is someone out there making a few quid from money that could be going to helping a shitload of people in a country that is, putting it somewhat bluntly, completely fucked.

This happens all the time, too. All of the X Factor Christmas charity singles state that TWO WHOLE POUNDS will go to charity, and the cost is a whole TWO POUNDS MORE than every other chart release. I wonder why that is?

The other thing about this kind of single is that the absolute dredges of society peel themselves off their couches and drag themselves into town to buy it. Sickening, cattle-people pushing several buggies full of future idiots coming up to the counter and asking for “that one that come out on monday”? Now Woolworths has folded, we’re the only place they can come. Do you think they have any idea where the money is going? Do you think they care? They just want that new one with Robbie and Kylie on.

I’ve had to listen to it all day, too. It is fucking terrible. Fucksake.

Mass Effect 2

I’ve just finished Mass Effect 2, after spending my entire day off in my bedroom playing it, instead of doing important things like going food shopping, or having a shower. What an incredible videogame.

It is times like this I find it hard to fathom why exactly everyone watches films and listens to music, because they’re missing out on such genuinely incredible entertainment experiences such as this.

If you’re a sci-fi fan, and you consider Battlestar, Blade Runner, Star Wars and the Alien films as important landmarks, then your opinion is worth shit if you haven’t played the Mass Effect games. It feels important. Hopefully, when the trilogy is complete, it is held up alongside these as an essential piece of science fiction media. It deserves to be.